Here we go again, forcefully holding back tears by blinking profusely. After one week I should be used to this by now. Pull yourself together you dirty haired mess of a human, don’t fucking cry. Stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking. And smile, yeah! SMILE. Thinking back to the suggestions of my beautiful yoga teacher, so calm and at peace with her flexible self; someone I am not at the moment.
In a space of five minutes I have been swaying from side to side, shaking my face and blinking uncontrollably as if I had been cutting onions for the last six hours. I think I even slapped myself once muttering, “stop it” and “don’t fucking cry”. Yes, this is me trying to order a coffee one week after breaking up with my boyfriend, most likely terrifying everyone around me.
That week the similarities between a homeless man and myself were strikingly similar (a more stylish, Chet Faker homeless), which I only noticed in the reflection of the fridge in the café during my fifth episode of “don’t cry in public”. We all remember that scene in the Sex and the City movie (SPOILER ALERT) where Big leaves Carrie at the alter? She goes to Mexico and isn’t slightly interested in the guacamole (I know, I was shocked too). All she does is sleep and although surrounded by her closest friends, has never felt more alone. Well, I was Carrie that day. Minus the fact that I have never owned Manolo Blahnik’s and most likely never will.
I’m next in line. Lucky for me, after a week of feeling like this, I have this shit down packed. Cue, uncontrollable coughing fit. The tears roll down because I have simply swallowed incorrectly. FOOLS! “How are you today?” cute, perky, blonde asks. I respond with a simple “good thanks” followed with a long pause, slowly turning and staring perky blonde in the eyes. “Actually, I’m wondering when this feeling will end. I feel like someone has died, no one actually has though don’t worry babe, but right now all I feel like doing is watching Titanic, crying and softly muttering “come back Jack”. How about you?” (I’m still pissed at Kate for letting Leo go).
This never actually happened because I needed a coffee and didn’t want to deal with security escorting out an unusually tall, sad woman threatening café staff. If you are currently in the midst of a breakup and are slightly freaking out reading this, I will tell you now, I am feeling whole, complete, fabulous and yes life does go on.
After a relationship ends, the dark clouds circle your fogged head with questions like – Was I ever good enough? Was I too annoying? Am I impatient? Why wasn’t I content with anything? Maybe I am ungrateful and selfish.
Instead of looking to the heavens, waiting for the rains to pour and shout “WHHHHYYY” (c’mon we have ALL wanted to do this at some point), accept it and know that everything happens for a reason. Seriously, everything. Inevitably, this was the path you were meant to go down in order to go in a different direction. Maybe that person was in your life to teach you a lesson. You didn’t think it was going to happen but it had to, because your journey has already been chosen for you to do something greater. Life is CRAZY, and our paths may look like hundreds of squiggly lines on paper but no matter how many lines, they all lead to one destination.
Two weeks later I still looked like I had been attacked by a swarm of bees. Puffy faced, I could barley breathe through my nose and I viewed the world from blood shot eyes. Wide awake in the early hours of the morning I would find myself googling “How to survive a break up?” and “Do people find love again?” and my favourite; “Will a puppy make me feel better?”. I turned to my lady Jesus, Zoe Foster Blake, who described a break up as a gift.
From her article, she suggests that one day you will either be with a better man, or a better Dan (a better version of the man who ended things with you). Zoe continues with “The Better Dan part is less simple. When your ex-boyfriend chose to break up with you, there was a part of him that needed to be free for whatever reason. You must grant him his freedom. It must be unfettered and it must be pure: do not intrude on it. No good comes from trying to lure a person who has made a conscious decision to live their life without you in it back into your life. It’s soul destroying and it’s absolutely futile.”
Focusing on yourself and keeping busy was one of her tips, which is exactly what I did. I cooked, joined four different yoga studios, worked out, designed, started writing. I learnt to be okay with being by myself which I am not very good at. As Bianca Sparacino one said “Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. “
My girl Zoe also made a note that Better Dan may not come knocking on your door with roses, so don’t hold your breath. Either way, it’s a win win situation; because you will find a better man if Dan is still busy with his head up his ass. She ended the article with “enjoy singledom with your head held high. There is tremendous peace and emotional power living wholly in the present knowing the future will take care of itself”.
Can I get a hell YAAAASSS!
I do not believe in regrets either. Why would you? The experiences you went through make you the person you are today. Nothing is a waste of time, not even a beautiful 6-year relationship. It has taught me so much and my decisions from now on are determined from that experience. Excuse me for taking you on a spiritual journey, but you will eventfully come to the conclusion that there is no point dissecting where it went wrong, it has happened, so time to move on. It is your gift to find yourself again.
I had always known myself, but actually doing something without giving a hoo-ha or any consideration of someone is a selfish act that I have voraciously enjoyed. What are my plans tonight? Oh I don’t know? anything I fucking want! HA HA (says she who spends most of her nights cuddling her dog on the couch while eating Nutella from a large, oversized spoon).
Okay so the spoon is actually a ladle. No judgment here ladies.
On another note, no one has the right to tell you when it’s okay to start dating or fall in love again. Not family, sisters, friends, cousins, not even the cashier at Woolies who has sold you your 70th box of Kleenex (I will miss you Jenny thanks for the support). You will meet someone who celebrates your triumphs, consoles you in your failures and actually likes that you are impatient. They will see you for the goddess you are. You will be deliciously in love, write each other poetry and lay under the stars while he serenades you with his guitar (yes, this does happen).
From once feeling so low, I now feel an incredible high and have found a new meaning for the sentence “the world is your oyster”. It took a while to heal and by all means I still have sad days, but I can finally listen to love songs and look at couples holding hands and kissing without rolling my eyes. I love love, and I was worried for a while where I wouldn’t find it again.